Monday, 20 September 2010

Article 1 - Draft/Audience Feedback/Redraft

(Short Article)

3,200 women turnout for this year’s Race for Life

1st Draft
   Wednesday the 24th of June saw mothers, daughters, sisters, aunties, grandmothers and friends pound the pavements for the 5k race for life to raise money for Cancer Research U.K.
  Now in the 16th year, Harrogate saw its best turn out in years with over 3,200 women taking part down at the Yorkshire showground.
   Since 1994 race for life has raised over £240million for the charity as well as gaining awareness helping contribute to a 15% drop in cancer deaths.
   One in three people in the UK get diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives and having a an event like this helps bring hope and awareness; the money contributed can buy much needed equipment ,with just £10 buying around 300 glass slides for studying cells and tumour samples in detail under the microscope.
    The results of the people contributing to raising the awareness are showing as more and more people are now beating cancer.

Audience Feedback
Bad points-'Could include quotes from someone who ran the race or someone the money will help'
Good Points-'Very positive'
Good use of facts, sounds very informative and promotes the charity'

Re-Draft
Wednesday the 24th of June saw mothers, daughters, sisters, aunties, grandmothers and friends pound the pavements for the 5k race for life to raise money for Cancer Research U.K.
Now in the 16th year, Harrogate saw its best turn out in years with over 3,200 women taking part down at the Yorkshire showground.
Rebecca Anson who took part in the race ‘it was truly worth it and really invigorating to run, I will be most defiantly be running next year and helping to raise money for cancer research’
Since 1994 race for life has raised over £240million for the charity as well as gaining awareness helping contribute to a 15% drop in cancer deaths.
One in three people in the UK get diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives and having a an event like this helps bring hope and awareness; the money contributed can buy much needed equipment ,with just £10 buying around 300 glass slides for studying cells and tumour samples in detail under the microscope.
The results of the people contributing to raising the awareness are showing as more and more people are now beating cancer.

Notes on Re-Draft
I listened to my audience feedback and added a quote in (Highlighted in Bold).
The quote is from my Auntie who ran the race so it was fairly easy to add this in, as the article is only due to be a short part of my newspaper I felt there was no need to add anything else in and kept it as above

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